I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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