Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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