I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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