A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
