I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
