I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
