M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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