I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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