thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
