Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
