I intend to get homeless drunk
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
