you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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