This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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