my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
