my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
