I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
