i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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