Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
