Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
