I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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