Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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