Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
