Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
