Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
