I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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