There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
