I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
