i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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