Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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