I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize