My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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