I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
