just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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