If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
