Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
