what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize