We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
