Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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