ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
