Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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