i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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