how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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