if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
