He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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