Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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