I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
