I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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