The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
