you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
