haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
