I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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