Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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