So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Floor bacon is actually really good
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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