i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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