yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
