Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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