I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
