No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
