My liver just broke up with me...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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