Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
