I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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