explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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