I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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