I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
