Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
