you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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