I can text with my tongue
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
